The face of new. Life means a constant stream of change and new. We chase newness without realizing the consequence of losing what is now, somehow leaving the now with the old. Past is relevant. The fallout comes when we put too much value in past experience. Yes, we must learn from our mistakes (obvious). However, feeding off the past love, hate, fear, and pain leads only back to our mistakes. The problem therefor lays in the distinction between LEARNING from our mistakes and living in the past. As humans we somehow confuse those two concepts.
The separation is taking rational thought and actually using it. Emotion, then becomes both a blessing and hindrance in that aspect. It can cloud our view of what is happening. We draw from that past emotion and try and use it to adjust our behavior accordingly, therefor creating a possible misstep. We start to only repeat the past. Not go in a new direction.
We will always repeat mistakes. We must MINDFULLY recognize that emotion and choose a new path.
Choose to change.
I find myself, for the first time, falling asleep with a smile on my face. When you completely let yourself be and totally allow life to overtake you, it reveals the most amazing and satisfying reality. There is no worry and strife when you are mindful of where you are. There is constant anxiety in change. Life brings change. Buddhist belief requires you to understand that with life and knowledge of change comes pain. Pain only brings you closer to balance and hence ultimate reality. It’s easy to stay in the insane belief of simple ignorance… because it is in fact, well, easy. But the real growth begins only in pain and discomfort. The simple fact that you have to BE something other than what you are used to makes you move. Movement itself does not require you to necessarily move, but be what you are not used to. If, yes, you in fact are not used to movement, then of course movement will be the obstacle. But if you are used to movement, then the obstacle is not movement, but standing still. Which, for some of us, is really a major stop sign. It is hard for me to realize that what is really needed is to be. Just be. To learn that i need sometimes to sit. To mediate. To be me. To allow the world itself to move while I stay. Life is not always an easy fix. It is fluid. It is being mindful. It is what is NOW. Because, as cliche as it sounds, there is no guarentee of tomorrow. There is only now. And now i am happy. So I will sit with this happiness untill life brings me pain. THEN, and only then, will I grow. I will not force growth. It will only happen when I’m not looking. Like everything else.
Life happens when we are not looking.
So i will sit. When the time comes, I will move. Then balance will come. Fates be what they may. I will obey.
I will awake…
i woke up having dreamed about him. i should have known he was going to poison my dreams.
perfect song describing the last 5 years:
What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won’t listen
Won’t you go away
Turn yourself in
You’re no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself somethin’ awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I’ve been outbidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled
Oh what a cold and common low way to go
When I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn’t believe in the stuff
Oh, well
I woke up this morning with a distinct feeling of fear. I know what i want and i’m going for it. So the fear is not what i want, instead it is the realization that what i want is not always immediately attainable. Instant gratification floods our society and fills our lives with anxiety. Not knowing or getting something we only want (not need) RIGHT now ruins the satisifaction of having it in our hands after struggle.
This anxiety flooded my thoughts last night and stayed with me until i awoke. The want i have right now has become a necessity thusly creating a world in which i live in fear.
Fear that i will not be able to reach the goal… That when i do cross the finish line that it is not at all what you imagined. Not at all what you hoped.
What is a goal anyway but an endpoint? What is the point of looking for the end? unless that end is just the beginning. In which case, in my case, that end is what i’ve always been looking for. Dreaming of. Imagining in my restless mind.
So i will wait. I will not be a product of my social demand. I will hold out for the satisfaction of having you in my arms. Having you always. Being only yours and you only mine.
I’ve been waiting my whole life… what’s another year. It will only make me more appreciative of you. of us. of what we have.
Struggle equals strength.
I only hope i can be strong enough for you. or even enough.
only time will tell.
Just ‘cause I play so far from my vest
Whatever I’ve got, I’ve got no reason to guard
What could I do but spend my best
Oh sailor why’d you do it
What’d you do that for
Saying there’s nothing to it
Then lettin’ it go by the boards
I woke up this morning to Christmas. Having been moved from my normal sleeping conditions to the couch in the living room, I can feel morning much more. My father and brother making coffee and arguing over the day. The dog being fed. My mother making smoothies.
Its always been the same but different. Even as a child the smell of fresh ground coffee made me sentimental…
The Christmas lights that twinkle on this rainy and dreary day shine a daylight feel into me. The excitement of childhood bubbles to the surface and I regress.
I realize that this year will be the first Christmas I can enjoy completely. The last five years have been torture. Every Christmas i knew the fight of the year was going to happen. My dream was crushed every year and I would climb an uphill battle.
That disaster is over now. I feel relief. I am so thrilled for the future.
I finally just get to be me. YES!
I like you too much
After too little time
I hold back my heart’s crazy rambling
The fear that I should overwhelm your smile
Frightens the spiders inside me
Oh this could be magic
After all, after all
You daren’t define which has happened to us
Well, I’ve had a name for it for some time now
You try to find what it is that you feel
I long to tell you so truly.
Mornings hit the hardest. Waking and knowing exactly what’s ahead, but unable to have an immediate affect. Waking and having this image floating around in my head. Waking and opening my eyes to the empty. Wanting to reach out and touch but instead grasping at air. Realizing that this floating image was not a dream but somehow not real. Not yet. 22.
I will not sabotage. I will not ignore. I will not be a ghost of my self or an idealized version of what you want.
For the very first time in my life, I feel whole. Not because a void is being filled, but because I can be completely me. No falsehoods, no lies.
Just me.
I woke up knowing exactly what I wanted. I will patiently wait to reach out and touch.
When the wind blew I felt the shift. The warmth moved into my lungs and filled. The change hasn’t been subtle. It’s known to be swift and crash into you. Knock you over without invitation. Though if asked, I would have fell down and accepted it.
The casual is overrated and the cynical are lost. The real life, true and full, is not negative. Or trite. Or cliche. Though Odyne exists, she is only there to move you forward.
Never again will I betray Eros and go against where he brings me. He has been leading me to you. I’ve ignored him. My passive heart was broken. Now all I see is you.
And me.
The whole version of me is here. I am not sleeping anymore. The world around me will not blur because I’m not focusing. It will blur because it will go by fast… with you and i hand in hand.
I woke up… and I love what I’m seeing.
